Anger is my birthright, but I choose to reject it.

 

 

There are people in this world who don’t have it easy. Who wonder when things will ever get better, why they were born…yes most people have these thoughts sometimes, but for the people I am thinking of, these thoughts are a constant companion.

Anger is a birthright for those of us with such a friend, constantly reminded that life isn’t fair. That we may never have the opportunities that others so easily take for granted.

Anger is a birthright for those who were abused in unspeakable ways by people who should have cared for them more than life itself.

Anger is a birthright for those who were torn from their families, brothers, sisters, aunts uncles and grandparents, as well as for those who should have been rescued but weren’t.

It’s a birthright for those who were labeled as “troubled”, and “not worth the time”, who were ignored by teachers who failed to report the signs. Who they made to feel stupid for not turning in homework, when our biggest priority was JUST TO STAY ALIVE.

Anger is a personal birthright for me, as I had to beg the police to put me in foster care and away from my mother, anger is my birthright because I had to at age 11, make a choice to abandon my brother and leave him to a life that would be fraught  with crime and separate from me. Anger is my birthright as my mother chose sex over her own daughter’s safety.

Anger is my birthright as after so much hell, I still struggle! That I can barely see the silver lining from the crushing weight of trying to  be self – sustaining. That the uphill battle that is life, never seems to have a top. That people perceive me as different than I am, and there is nothing I can ever do to change that. Yes, we, “I” have a right to be angry.

But I choose a different path, I choose to be grateful for the moments of joy that ease my troubled mind. I choose to learn from people’s ignorance, I choose to forgive (for my own sake) the people who hurt me. I choose to be better!

When we look at life from a perspective of a gift, we can benefit from anything. I learned at a very, (too) young age, to stand up for myself in a way that people would listen to, but also respect me. And true respect the kind out of admiration, not fear, is one of the most valuable gifts a person can ever have. Too many people don’t understand that! They think if people are scared of you..they respect you. To be honest, That’s just not the case they see you as a bully and you are probably friendless…

I want to address how I forgive, but because it’s not just blindly, the first thing I do is try to see the situation from the other persons perspective. Was their intention truly to be hurtful?  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. If they are in any possible way not entirely wrong, I work to forgive them.However, if I do determine a person to just be “mean or dangerous “ no mater who they are, they don’t get a place in my life. That may seem cold, but it is survival. I don’t wish them ill will, and if I run into them, I treat them civilly and with grace. But they are no more a part of my story.

Anger, as I said In my last post, “is a poison”. So many people say, “Oh, I didn’t get this job because of this or that, usually siting race, nationality, or gender; but it has been my experience, that it is usually about attitude. If you bring SUNSHINE into the room, people will be drawn to you. If you have a chip on your shoulder, are constantly negative, or are looking to cause a fight. I sure as hell would avoid you!

I implore you to let your anger work for you. Let it motivate you to excellence! Let anger at being treated poorly drive you to NEVER TREAT ANYONE THAT WAY! Let anger at being made fun of for being poor, motivate you to succeed and to help others do the same! Let anger from bad parenting, strengthen your commitment to being the best parent you can possibly be. Let anger at all the injustices, make you fair and kind and passionate! Do not,do not, do not be a SLAVE TO YOUR ANGER, it can crush you and keep you down, or you can let it work for you and make you GREAT!

 

 

The “C” is for Control freak, be a one and stop being a Statistic!

So I’ve shared with you my back story, but I have so much more to tell you! This blog is not intended to be a “woe-is-me “tale or a place where we air our grievances about how awful existing was, or where we compare abuse stories.  I shared my story so you will know, ” I get it.” So when I tell you, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A STATISTIC, you might actually believe me.

From the age of 8 I was stubborn. I  refused to be a statistic, I refused to let a really awful childhood define who I’d grow up to be. I’m not particularly gifted or brilliant but I was smart enough to realize two things, 1: I wanted out and 2.  I needed a plan.

I don’t know what it was about me that made me even think of getting out, (I have found that most young foster children only want to go home). Maybe it’s because I knew to stay would more than likely end up in my death if not something much worse. I also knew that there was a better way to live because,while I hid myself under loads of dirty laundry, I’d often watch Nick at Night. I’d fantasize that Donna Reed, the nice lady, with the dress and necklace in the big white house was my mom, that the people sitting around the table laughing at dinner where my family…And a dream was hatched.

So my First tip for you is this:
IN ORDER TO HAVE A PLAN YOU MUST FIRST HAVE A DREAM!
What does a successful life look like to you? Do you want to be famous, rich, popular?
I once wanted to be a famous actress and it wasn’t really just a pipe dream, (I went to school for theater)but as I got older I defined success differently. Even as a young child, I understood that I wanted to be “normal”more than anything else  (including going to Hollywood). I wanted a happy marriage with 3 or 4 kids, I picked out their names, and even their wardrobes. I wanted to marry a nice guy. (Which meant he had to at some time been a boy scout )and I wanted my own house. I focused on things in a way that could only be described as an obsession and I let nothing take me off that track. Before pinterest even existed, I cut out pictures of all of the things I wanted in life and how I planned to live. I posted them on my closet door in college and when I moved,my inspiration boards moved with me.

 
So dream!

Ask yourself “What will make me feel successful at life?” “What kind of person do I want to be?” What kind of family do I want to have? How do you want to look? Do you want to be a working parent? Do you  want to stay at home? Do you even want kids? How do you want people to treat you? Do you want to be single, or have a relationship? What kind of relationship do you want? This should be fun….. and it will be exhausting!
After you have fleshed out your dream board. You make a plan.
Ask yourself, “What action steps can I do today to get me where I want to be in the long run?”
They can be simple such as “I want to be more attractive” so “I’ll brush my teeth/wear clean clothes” or “I want to be well read, so I will read a little from a book every day”Or better yet, “I’ll read a book a week”.
Remember that YOU are the CEO of your life! If you want to be successful at life  YOU MUST TAKE ACTION, be selfish, and do what you need to do!
There is a trick to being a control freak that people don’t hate..and that is having a contingency plan, a PLAN “B” (or if you are me a plan “C’ “D” & “E”) because sometimes we can’t control everything. We have to train ourselves to “Chill”. If it’s: 1. Not really important, or 2. IF it is really out of your control,(like fertility is for me) then move on to your plan “b”. If you are prepared for the change in plans you ebb the chaos, and you don’t lose all of the control.( Which is MAJOR for many of us.)
What I mean when I say” be a control freak” Is DON’T SETTLE!!!. “I love this little classroom quote that says “shoot for the moon, you’ll end up among the stars.” When we have a detailed plan of exactly how we will achieve success we an measure our choices as to whether or not they fit our end game.

 

This is why I write

I recently attended a class where the speaker was someone in recovery, someone who had a hard life, and as a result treated her children harshly. Perhaps if she had started out with a better statement I would have had more empathy. Her opening words were. “My mother was an alcoholic, so of course I abused my kids, I NEVER HAD A CHANCE!”

Those few words have prompted me to start writing. I don’t believe that children of abuse and neglect “never have a chance”. I don’t believe in using ones upbringing as an excuse for failure. I believe every single person has a chance to have a  beautiful life, healthy relationships, success at work and at home. It takes work, in fact, much more work than it does for others but it can be done.

You make think I’m naive, That I don’t know what people go through or that I have no compassion. If that’s the case, let me assure you, You are wrong!I am an adult survivor of the foster system, I experienced unspeakable abuse and neglect at the hands of my mother, and worse at her boyfriends, when I was 8 years old I ran away to the police station and begged them to put me in foster care, They didn’t at first, instead they took me home where my mother put on a show for the caseworker and as soon as she left, pulled out pliers and threatened to pull my tongue out with them if I ever brought “pigs” to her house again. My mother was well versed in the art of cruelty, making me address her as your majesty, and she called me “slave-girl”. She pinned dirty underwear to my clothes and made me wear them to school.
The best I could hope for in my house was to be forgotten, and I hid under piles of laundry so she couldn’t find me and beat me. So at 8 I ran away and the second time, after the police took an inventory of my welts and bruises, I went to a foster-home. It was the 80’s a time when they didn’t want families to get attached so I moved 18 times in 9 years. I did not have a family. I did not have a lasting role model, some homes were not bad, others…..
In some homes people called me, the “N” word- Their own adult children were like the evil step-sisters, and I lived there to be unpaid help, In others I opened my package of socks, while the bio children opened rooms full of presents on Christmas day. Still  in others, they made prophecies about how by the age of 15 I’d have three kid’s and be on welfare. (Even though there was NO basis for the comment) My mother mercifully went to prison for selling drugs and then my brother who was a toddler, joined me for a few years on my journey.

I was never adopted, at age 18 I aged out I was able to finish school, and then I was quite literally on my own. My social worker gave enrolled my on food stamps, and my friend’s mother paid for my first months share of an apartment. And that was that.

20 years later I just celebrated being married to the best (normal) guy ever for 10 years. We have a lovely life with a charming and brilliant son, a comfortable home and no-evidence of the past I left behind.

This blog is for the FORGOTTEN Children, Those who have such a road to travel that thankfully others will never know. This blog is those who dare to hope that life can get better, for those who crave a “normal” life. It’s for those who want success at home, and in the wide wide world. My personal belief is that our lives have purpose. I think the reason I experienced the things I did in my childhood, is so that I can really help others, be it through adoption (we can’t have any more biological children), or through this blog. This blog will, I hope, be a little bit of the “mother” we didn’t have. I’ll share with you everything I know about how to succeed at life, I promise to be open, and speak with compassion, I promise to be honest with you even if it hurt’s. You will find on this blog, how to keep a house, how to dress in a way to command respect, land a job, attract the right kind of mate, I’ll share with you (though I’m still learning) who to budget, and the importance of setting goals. I want you to know, you don’t have to be a statistic, you can be happy, and have a great life! Whether you are 80 or 18, I want you to know, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN!